Good help is hard to find

Wifey and I are in search of a maid. We have several avenues to pursue but the more we look at them the more it seems we will never find what we need. The cheapest route is to get an Indonesian maid but then there is a high percentage that the maid will turn out bad. Another alternative is to seek a Filipino maid who are slightly more expensive then an Indonesian. I am more keen in getting a relative to live with us but there are no takers.

Eventually, we may need to send my eldest son to a play school in the afternoon when wifey goes off to work. It'll probably be the most expensive choice. That alone has cause a new headache for me, right when finances are so tight. The cost of raising kids is not the same as when my parents had me. Nope, small wonder that couples today choose to have a small brood. Two seems that ideal number if you want to live a minimally stress free life.

So it's back to calling employment agencies. Hopefully we will be able to find good help before wifey goes back to work. That's all we have to live by during times of difficulty - hope. Hope that things will turn out the better.

Office politics, constipation and my nightmare Monday

Office politics is something that I erk. Something that I really do not want to get involve with but in recent weeks it is something that has shoved itself into my face. I have been force to play it in order to survive attacks from my own office mate.

My very reputation is now at stack and honestly speaking it does not boil well for me. One, people think I am not doing my work. In actual fact, it is primarily because I really do not showcase my work. I don't parade it but to some that is fuel for talk that I do not do work at all. Secondly, I do not get personal in my dealings at work. Business is business and I'm professional in my replies and dealings with people. But to have someone say that you are not doing your work and to question why the organisation is paying you, then that is a personal attack.

Obviously the email was not meant to be read by me as I was the only one who did not get a copy. My bosses got a copy but I was cut out of the loop. These attacks have gone too far.

So I am going on the offensive. There is no point trying to be nice to some people. They deserve just rewards for their overly impressive statements.

To add to my stress. My youngest son, Evan, developed constipation problems over the weekend. We point it towards the milk powder that we have been giving him and have decided to switch to another brand. But until the effects are seen I will have to bear with his crying which is heart wrenching. I can't stand to see my son so helpless and in pain. There is nothing I can do but to ease his pain. What else can you do for a 1 month old baby? I pray that things will turn around by today.

These things have made my nightmare monday. It is a bad way to start the week. But I will have to endure it.

Breaking the money bank

As if I don't more stress in my life, I am now confronted with the issue of employing a maid to aid my mother in taking care of my two children. This will put added strain on my threadlike budget. In fact it will blow my financial state out of the water. Such is my financial state, that any extra strain will cause it to buckle and fold over. Taking me along with it.

Wifey is already bearing the bulk of paying for the children's needs. It is then, not fair for her to bear this additional expense. It will have to come from my pay-check. But I am already straining under the stress of my current financial baggage.

It is in this light that an opportunity presented itself this afternoon. I got a call from an insurance sale-person, an acquaintance of mine. I had to turn down her product for the time being citing financial reasons but she then countered with another offer to join along with them in selling insurance. I am not a sales-person but in view of the situation, I am willing to learn anything in order to have some extra income.

So it seems that this coming Saturday, I may be meeting her husband to hear what their business is like. I will let him do the talking and access the viability of the business.

Unknown to them I have already done some study on the selling of insurance and also the commission model that insurance sale-persons go by. It is residue income that only requires the least amount of interaction. In fact you may make more in 3 hours of selling then you would at a 8 hour day job. Plus, it is residue income, meaning as long as the policy holder keeps paying their premium you keep earning. The commission percentage is different for different products. This has cause some insurance sales persons to concentrate on a singular high-commission product.

It looks attractive but I need to run it by wifey first. I must also look at my commitments in terms of time and effort for my other activities. I don't want to be more stress then I am already.

Financially stress, a husband's heart-ache.

I am counting the cents in my pockets. My take home pay is not enough to carry my family through. It is a good thing that wifey also works and her income can help in the household but the pride in me is cut to the core. It hurts when you know that you cannot really provide everything (in monetary terms) for your family. Heck, I cannot even feed myself sometimes what more to say my two sons and wifey.

So its added stress to me when financially, things are not as well as I want them to be.

Firstly, the economy is not getting any better. Things are getting more expensive each day. The world's economic climate is going down the drain, where the middle-income earners like me are stretch thin just to live well. With the wars in the middle-east pushing the price of oil up thus causing everything else to belly up in terms of cost. I can't take it if there is another price hike on oil. I probably have to sell the car if that happens.

Secondly, as a civil servant my pay will never rise any higher then my ankle. I am at the mercy of the government of the day. Yes, there is a year end bonus but it does not amount to anything. It is a bonus in name but in terms of substance, it does not help in the long run. I need a pay raise that will have a year long impact on my finances. A pay rise that is 50% of my current wage will really help. It will also be in step with rising cost of living. To date, it will take a small miracle to grant me a 50% pay raise. No, it will need a tsunami of events to change the mind-sets of the leaders of my country. I wish they would just using the peoples money to line their own pockets.

Whatever it is, things will not get any better. The word on the street is that in 2008, the world will slow down economically. This will put a strain on the government finance. I do not foresee much increments or bonuses for the civil servant. Our jobs may be secure but we lose out to our counterparts in the private world in terms of salary.

Until that time, I will have to condition my family to be more frugal in our living. Frugal, a word I did not learn until I start looking at the cents in my pockets.

When will it end?

Everyday is a new challenge to me. I take things a step at a time but sometimes that does not help when you are faced with so much pressure. Last night I hit a low. Let's just say that in my house are too many mothers and not enough fathers.

When there are too many mothers, the fathers become spectators. In my case, I've become a nuisance. Not that I want to but in my mothers eyes I am that. It is a case of how we do things. If it is not her way then it is the wrong way. I felt really pissed when because I did not do things the way she wanted it, I was labeled stupid and incompetent.

All for just trying to help.

So I've decided to take a spectator role now. Why? Because why bother? Why allow more mental abuse to pepper my mind? I have taken so much these past few months, not only on the home front but also at the work place, that I deserve some form of rest-bite. With so much on my mind, I am on the verge of jumping off a cliff.

Financially my family is tight, the new baby has cause a fair amount of uneasiness. My own finances are a mess, baggage that I brought in from my bachelor days are still haunting me. There are other commitments that badger for my time and all this are happening at the same time. I don't need another source of pressure.

Most if not all of my personal plans are on the shelf. I have had to put them on hold until I settle these things. My ambition to be a writer has to be canned for the moment. I have some opportunities to chase but with all these things happening at home, I can't focus right. It is sad when you slug through life unable to find fulfillment because what you really want to do cannot be done.

I am really not looking forward to another day.

World Cup and cranky baby

Evan was not himself last night. My quiet, reserve little boy was acting up. I suspected an upset tummy. So in between focusing on the Holland-Serbia match, I had to calm him also. Not that it was really a great match but Holland is one of my favorite teams - must be the orange jerseys.

It's a challenge to me when the arrival of Evan coincide with the World Cup. If I was still single, staying up for the matches would be the norm. But with two boys to looks after and work to handle, I can only afford watching one match a day.

Where I live the matches are played at 9 pm, mid-night and the ungodly hour of 3 am. If you have the will, you can attempt to stay awake from 9 pm till 6 am the next day. If you have to be at work by 8 am then you would have set a record for being awake the whole day.

So I am only allowed the luxury of watching just one match a day. Sigh...

Hopefully, Evan's crankiness would not be a recurring feature. I remember during Ryan's first three months, he would go into a crying session at 6 pm every day. Without miss, come 6 pm he would start crying. This behavior went as mysteriously as it came. I pray that Evan does not develop the same thing that his older brother had.

The conclusion is don't have babies a year before the world cup comes along. It's really stressful watching your favorite team playing while holding a crying baby.

My sons - Ryan and Evan.

It has started.

My eldest son, Ryan, feels a tad jealous when me and wifey pay attention to his younger brother. Whatever that his younger brother has, he nows wants. It looks sweet at first but I am worried. I don't want him to feel that we love him less. It is never the case. I love my two sons more than my own life. But does not know that yet.

So we handle the situation as best we can. By reassuring him that his younger brother is not a threat. The first few days upon returning home with my second son, Evan, Ryan seemed to withdraw into his own world. Looking lost at first, he slowly showed signs of aggression towards Evan. It was as if Ryan was stating his claim of being the first born. Wifey and I had to slowly introduce Evan to him. We had to introduce "baby" to him.

To Ryan, Evan is "baby". Yup, for someone his age (1 year 11 months) he could identify that Evan was a baby. It was the first word Ryan uttered when he saw Evan for the first time. Something that I will tell him when he gets older.

I hope to see my two sons live life as more than brothers but also as best friends. That in this journey we call life, they will have each other. That this will carry them through long after I am gone.

Amen.

Diapers, milk and pesky mum

My mum thinks that I don't know how to take care of my baby boy. Well, I don't know how to take care of him the way she takes care of him.

Just yesterday evening he was crying and I offered to carry him. Her words, "You won't be able to care for him when he cries like this."

Fine but don't complain if I don't seem to have a lot of hands on activities with the little one. Not that I do not want to hold him but I just don't have the opportunity to hold him. I am a very hands on father and one of the things that is important to me is that I get to hold my children. That during this period they know who their father is. In this case the joy of fatherhood has been slowly taken away from me by my mum.

Though her intention is good but by sheltering me from the task of holding my children or changing their diaper, I actually lose out on a lot of things. Its sad but I live with it. For the record, I can change diapers, make milk, give the baby a bath, cuddle, cradle; all the things that a father should be doing.

It highlights the issue of whether the child is really my baby or my parents baby. Whether my parents (my mum in particular) is living out the life of a mother to children she did not have. That in her eyes, her grandson is now her child. This takes away a lot of things from the actual parents. We lose out on the parenting experience because the task has been taken away from us. We don't have quality time with our kids from the early years. This is what I fear. That eventually we lose touch with our own children when they are still infants. That we don't feel that they are our children, a mental barrier that forms in our minds.

At the end of the day, it just amounts to more stress.

Financial Stress

There is nothing more stressful then to look at you bank account at the beginning of the month and after the first week. I simply do not have enough. And I am suppose to be the bread winner. My wife works and she is so much better at keeping her finances tight. Regardless of the number of personal finance management books I read, nothing seems to help.

It's really stressful when after paying off all the creditors, I end up with nothing. Living under my parents roof compounds the strain even further. I am expected to contribute to my parents too - on top of my commitments to my own family. So my financial state is akin to a juggling act. Moving money from one source to pay another source delays the obvious - that I'm broke.

Some things that you may want to know when it comes to personal finances - trust me I know:

1. Do not take personal loans.
2. Buy 2nd hand when possible - cars, clothes, whatever...
3. Learn a useful skill, it will help secure a 2nd income.
4. Hide your money from yourself.
5. Credit cards are poisonous.
6. Be wary when lending money to siblings - they never pay back.
7. Be stiff-necked when doing business with friends - they always ask for a discount.
8. Work with an employer whom you can ask for a raise.
9. Keep your material items to a minimum. Some things you can live without.
10. Pray hard.

The list is not exhaustive. Can you think of anything else to add?

Keeping the peace, keeping mum.

At times it is best to just keep quiet. Take the time when my mother was complaining that my son was too naughty. The little fella is coming 2 years and the fearless streak is appearing. He climbs, runs and bear-hugs the cat. Nothing wrong with that, he is (after all) a boy.

But my mother thinks I don't enforce enough discipline on him. It's funny because when I do become strict with him, my mother will be the first to point out that my son is still a little boy, don't know anything, bla,bla,etc,etc. So when she does go into one of those moods, I keep quiet. Now, you must understand. In an Asian context, we are not suppose to speak up against anything our parents say. It's considered rude and sinful to do so. What parents say becomes law and it is a law that you do not want to break.

So me being quiet is a normal practice among most elder sons. You bear with it and allow it to go over your head. But sometimes the words spoken do hit a raw nerve. Sometimes they do cause a measure of hurt and frustration. Often times, I wish I was not living under the same roof.

I do not mind if the words are spoken against me but when they include another person that is dear to me, I get all work up. Statements about my son hurt me most. For he is unable to defend himself let alone to talk back. But I don't want to talk back to my mum so it's all a funny circle of silence with the only person speaking - my mum.

Sometimes keeping the peace means that your life is total at war.

Living with stress

I'm 31 this year and I live with my parents.

Rationally it is a good thing. I save on a lot of things. Living under the same roof as my parents mean that I don't need to provide so much for my family. But we do have a few household things that are in duplicates. We have two television sets, two washing machines and separate bathrooms. We share the groceries and basic toiletries such as toilet paper. Things should be good but they are not.

For one, I still have to live with my mother in my ear. She still has a huge say in the running of the house. Not to mention in running my life. In short I am trading convenience with stress. Unnecessary stress. Stress that I can live without and since we are sharing house, stress that I cannot avoid. Try if I may, it is something that I have to live with.

It's a balancing act for me. Balancing the my family with my parents. Now that my family has expanded with the introduction of another son (that makes two of them) things have just become more complicated for me. Both are still toddlers (the eldest being only 2 years) the stress on me is emotional, physical and financial. I have a lot on my mind and having my mum around will not make things better. True, she takes care of the children when I am off at work but at least show some measure of grace and mercy when I am at home. Instead I am barrage with additional stress. At times the thought of sleeping in my office does cross my mind.

What escape do I have?

The Stressful Husband

I am a husband and I am under stress.

This blog is an attempt at lifting some of that stress off my chest. Why? There are some things that my wife will never understand even when I explain it to her. Because we were both wired differently, try as she wish; she will not be able to bear the shoes that I have to bear.

Not much credit is given to the husband. I believe that the husband suffers as much stress as the wife within any marriage. But husbands suffer in silence. An ego thing, a social thing, husbands are not meant to show any weakness. We may never cry (publicly) instead we learn to bottle things up and bear with it. It's the manly thing to do. This is where so many of us go over the edge.
What makes a stressful husband?

In my opinion, when the world around him seems to cave in on him and all he can do is hold on for dear life. Then that is one stressful husband. When people do not understand the worries, the pain, the burdens and the responsibilities that we (as husband) have to shoulder then we go into stress.
Yes, I am a stressful husband. I admit that. My stress comes from bearing the finances of the family, from having two infants in my life, from work that seems never ending and from commitments that seem to never end. What can I do? Some of these things are entrusted unto me, some where force and yet some, I simply walked into them.

Join me on this journey and I wish to share it with someone. I hope we can both learn from each other.